I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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