this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
