I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Randomize
