What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
