I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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