I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize