your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
