Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
