I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
