i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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