I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
