My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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