woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
