morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
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I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
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Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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