The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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