Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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