I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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