I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
