last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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