mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
