haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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