My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i came on her dog
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Sext me about skeletons
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