I want to stick my p in your. b.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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