I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
