my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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