Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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