My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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