you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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