i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
