Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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