Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The uberlube is also flammable
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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