Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
