the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
