thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
