do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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