better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
