i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
