I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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