Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
