Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
