; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
