She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
