my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
