I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
