I wish I could teleport
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
