Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
