I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
