I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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