is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
