ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
