for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
