my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Houston, we have a squirter
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
