Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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