If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
