Cold hands, warm shart.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
