you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
two words: eviction party
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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