had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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