The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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