the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
